Mansi - green_shoots

Karva Chauth - afterthoughts

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 17:07:45 +0530

Also, I do want to fervently mention that the fast is not about the husbands. It's not about their lives either.
It is about the notion of life. Perhaps some of the peace I observed in the faces of other women at the puja was because they were celebrating life itself and praying for an extension, if possible.
And yet in that sentence, I have managed to completely contradict myself. For as I started out, it is my belief that this special day is a complete selfish act on the part of the woman.
Can devotion be selfish, you ask? Yes, it can and should.
So for any of you men out there who are still sweating it out, let it go. It's not really about you.
Lastly, one cannot ignore the economic implications of such traditions. Are women dependent on men culturally? Yes. It never ceases to amaze me in just how many different ways.

Just as the thought that occured to me a few days ago that female foeticide is OK and goes hand in hand with pro-choice! This will however have to wait for another post.

Will a time come when men will fast for women (given role reversal - Who wd have thought that husbands wd ever want to sweat it out in a kitchen....)? As a woman, I am not sure I would want to give my fast up.
Which brings me to another emerging practice where both the husband and wife decide to fast and pray together. It's not done at large or we could plan for a circle of women exchanging talis and a circle of men exchanging thalis. We could even dig up a story for the men.

It is a whole world of opportunities out there, folks!

The death of Hindu arrogance

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Thu, 13 Oct 2005 12:32:45 +0530

Hindu extremist groups get all excited about Christian conversions.
[The following two paragraph is paraphrased from a story titled 'RSS Invents Another Ram' from the Tehelka]
In a small village called Subir in Ahwa, Gujurat, the RSS and 'sister' organizations are staging a Kumbh mela this year. Seven years ago, in this 95% tribal populated area, these Hindu right wing groups burned down 35 churches and prayer halls in their protest against what they called Christian 'aggression'. Next they had a guru pay Rs 10000 for one acre of land, and since occupy close to four hectares of land. The religious texts (Ramayan) was modified to include Subir and a Sabari Dham Mandir in honor of Mata Sabari was built. This year, with the state government's blessings of transport and electricity, they will spend 8 crores on a Kumbh mela that expects to draw 5 lakh participants.
When asked by Tehelka, if the Dangs (the predominant tribals) need a Kumbh, Dangs Collector RM Jadhav replied "It's a religious issue. What can you do if people need it?" Tehelka then asked Prof Ganesh Devy, a prominent tribal activist what he felt the Dangs needed. The professor replied '...an imaginative forest development policy, at least 10 more residential schools for girls, at least two science colleges, a well-managed irrigation system and sorting out the issues related to the erstwhile princes of the Dangs"

The above story in the Tehelka was an interesting read. Before we TGFT (thank god for Tehelka) and it's brand of 'forthright journalism', let us remember that Tehelka launched it's first issue (with much dhoom/dhamaka!) with an exclusive story on Christian conversions and the Bush administration agenda in christianizing India. This current article forms an interesting full circle. Strangely enough though this article does not reference it's first issue report on Christian conversions and the Christian Agenda. This probably has to do with the changing nature of media news, akin to our cricketing traditions, where everything is in spurts and bursts and rarely about follow through and history (what's that??).
So with Hinduism too. Hindus practice their religion in spontaneity. One day we're leading normal lives, the next we're attending Ram lila and watching Ravana burn. Only to then return to our comatose-like state till we're ready to burst in colors and crackers, around Diwali time. Nothing warms up an Indian belly like hot jilebis on a chilly November day. After the dry spell from June to September, the fall season heralds in a series of holidays, celebrations and religious obligations.
We're also compelling Hindus. We egg each other on to religious fervor. The all-night Jagrans are a wonderful North Indian example of this. A Hindu never visits a temple alone. He or she will go with their family. Visiting a temple is hardly about communing with God. It's often akin to a picnic, a place to be seen and to be seen at. A married Hindu woman will experience these religious compulsions first hand. Attending bhajan sessions, doing puja, sharing prasad is often a second or even third job that they have to perform.

Spontaneity and Compelling - Is that really so bad, you'd ask.

Yes. What it has done is form the rock foundation for the fear psychosis that the right wing Hindu groups propagate. Hindus like you and me are being bombarded with statistics on Christian conversions. While some of the so called proactive Hindus respond by burning and looting, tampering with religious texts, coercing tribals to acknowledge Mata Sabari in lieu of their three gods ( a tiger, a snake and a hill), the bulk of us are too comatose to know any different.
We are different, we Hindus. We are born into our religion, initiated into it's practices and then compelled to follow suit. Years, decades, centuries later, we are no closer to discovering the essence of what spirituality is. As long as we are spontaneously compelled into certain practices, as long as we are not excluded, we bundle along like the masses one sees at Vaishno Devi or Tirupati.
Rank and status play important identifiers to us Hindus. Be it a man with uncombed hair or a woman with a shaven head, both represent different ranks and stakes. These are however homogenous identifiers and many of us have long fallen off the map. Yet, when it comes to roping in the adivasis, our 'vanvasis' ( LOL), we're pulling out all the stops.

In come the Christians, with their schools, training based jobs, caste-free communities and an outreach network that spreads across the globe, and all of a sudden Hindus are worried. It's the Pope's five year plan for India, you will hear in their heads. One day, we will all wake up to 101 hail marys and celebrate Christashtami.
What will become of our jilebis then?

The proactive ones amongst us are at it though. Their answer is an eight crore Kumbh mela. What more, Hindus wonder, can Adivasis/Vanvasis need to come flocking to pay obeiyance to Mata Sabari?
What more, I ask, can we Hindus really ask for?

Stars, starships and blogging

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 12:09:03 +0530

A friend sent me this link (http://spaces.msn.com/members/mangalpandey) sometime this week. I got to viewing the page this morning and in response to his email, a flurry of thoughts hit me all at once - which is often a sign that I need to blog.
The subject is Aamir Khan and he seems to regard his 'space' as a medium through which he can keep in touch/interact/respond to his fans. What we get to read in Aamir's responses are his perception of being a 'star' - actor - albeit in my opinion grossly misunderstood - Nevertheless his attempt to connect with his audience / fans ( not sure which is which in his mind) is laudable.

Before I get into the 'slurry of thoughts', let me quickly add that in no small measure, it does delight me to view this page. There is nothing like an opportunity to connect with an artist - in this case Aamir Khan - at some point, I will get to see Mangal Pandey and hopefully then will have my two-bit thrill in commenting on his 'space'.
In the larger context, this is one more door open in to the cultural space of film-making. All of us indulge in the performing arts and with films in particular, sadly, there is a huge disconnect between the artists and the audience. This is, in my opinion, largely due to media companies that monopolize the bridge of communication between film makers and their audiences.
In all art experiences, both the artist and the audience have a meaningful exchange in store that in turn fuels the cycle of art. Enter the media, TV channels, newspapers and magazines, and any 'meaning' towards the former exchange is seriously compromised. In such a scenario, the ability then to connect with Aamir Khan, an actor in the movie Mangal Pandey is quite thrilling - a renaissance of a lost connection - a resurrection of sorts and a restoration of means. While we do have virtual media facilitating the exchange ( MSN), it is far less intimidating than traditional film and paper media houses. So, Mangal Ho! to such opportunities.

Moving on....

If journalism (traditional media houses) sat on one end of a spectrum, Blogging, in my opinion, sits at the other extreme. While bloggers tend to confuse the two (in search of journalistic fame), in my mind, blogging is and can never be journalistic (and thank god for that!)in culture. It's kinda like juxtaposing justice against law. While the latter is the formalized medium to achieve the former, such is not necessarily the outcome. Over years of formalized practice, sometimes we find the business of law can be as far away as possible from the execution of justice.
Similar is the case with blogging and journalism.
Blogging is a medium by which readers get an insight into the blogger. It is governed by a personal morality that within reasonable definition rings true across humanity. Unlike journalism and their presumed sense of morality (all show, no go) it is rarely that you will come across a blog where you are unable to understand the underlying morality map.
Another example to illustrate the divide: American Idol vs INXS Rock star ( tacky name) - - While the former sells an 'IDOL' - somebody that takes on different hues in our media-glazed minds - the resolution of the show isn't necessary. Any one of the contestants could be Idol and we'd not care beyond a certain short time frame - BECAUSE the manipulation is being metered inside our heads. It's like a lullaby, babies don't really get it about the cradle rocking and the baby falling ( how traumatic that one!!!) but it still gets them to sleep. Contrast A.Idol with the INXS Rockstar ( if ever a tacky name in recent television history was created....!!!) where there isn't anything on sale. It's real and performance nights (the only nights I watch) is like going to a rock show (and hating the fact that it's on TV). I will not compare individual performances (Rockstar is far far superior!!!!) but then again, that isn't what seperates the two shows. It's the packaging of cultural intent - glaringly all icing in the former, and simply meat balls in the latter.

At Aamir's space, I was immediately slapped by the Mangal Pandey promotion theme. I was saddened to understand the motive of his 'space' - Promoting Mangal Pandey while connecting with fans/audience. Once that objective registered and was promptly dismissed ( I am not going to rush to watch Mangal Pandey), I got to the 'blogging' part of Aamir's 'Space'.

The ability to blog gives readers an insight into the blogger - Aamir Khan - and to me, he reflects a misconstrued sense of public responsibility.

What does it mean to be a 'star'? Often we see our Bollywood actors pained by their 'star' status. Some of them spend all their spare time in public demanding that they be spared their privacy (No, not their name (a la Crucible) - just their privacy). To me, this is often hillarious. After years of living off steets, friends and spouces, they 'make it' in a career in public entertainment which to me seems like the most personal and most private choice they've ever made. Once here, most of them seem completely inept at understanding themselves, their roles or their career environment. This is often because Aamir the actor becomes Aamir the star.
What is a 'star'? Were I to say that most actors cannot command their starship in any direction whatsoever, it would be a gross understatement. The list of crash-outs are plenty : Sanjay Dutt, Shakti Kapoor, Salman Khan....

Here again in Aamir's 'space' we are treated to one too many servings of misplaced gratitute and holy patriotism. In response to a fan's comment that Aamir is Hollywood material, he akins Bollywood to nothing short of a holy institution. (excuse me???)
Why does Aamir Khan have to assume any 'star' responsibility? Why does he need to handle his fans with kid gloves? Why wasn't he talking to us about his experience of Mangal Pandey, the production woes, the marketing woos??
HEY - you might interrupt - A guy can do only what a guy can do - look, you point out, at the kind of hero-worship comments on the site ..... how can Aamir respond any differently?
There in lies the problem. After years of monopolized bridges, the disconnect is now a deep divide. Even when we do get to communicate with artists, it seems like we're shouting at each other across the grand canyon. And if any of you are familiar with the 'suicide point' experience, the most powerful words are always 'I love you'. So there we are, at it, screaming words of adoration and praise, simply because we aren't sure when we'll ever get to do that again. We're not sure when the channel of communication will be severed again and all we'll have left is NDTV and Stardust!

Serious dialogue on the culture of films and film making will need to adopt informal channels such as blogs. Traditional media will need to be shunned like an untouchable for the damage they have and still continue to wreck on society at large is immense. I don't necessarily mean that all of traditional media is bad or worthless. All I want to stress on is that on more occasions than one, traditional media has transgressed our collective personal justice and worser still they seem to be getting away with it.

With informal media on the rise, we will be able to save the Aamirs and the Aamir audience and in the process re-invigorate the culture of cinema.

Three language formula - A higher iDEAL?

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 13:25:00 +0530

Dad is not fond of Hindi. Checking through customs at the Bombay (now Mumbai) Airport, I remember him responding in Kannada with a customs official who dared address him in Hindi. Who, he demanded, ever said that Hindi is our national language?
True to word, I got to hear about the three language formula from him again just last week.
Given that we don't believe anything that can't be found on the Internet these days, I dug up some policy information posted on the net. [source: http://www.languageinindia.com/junjulaug2001/school.html ]

The proposals in the National Curriculum Framework for School Education: 2000 relating to language are as follows:

The document states that the Three Language formula given below is still relevant and efforts should be made to implement it more vigorously.

The First language to be studied must be the mother tongue or the regional language.
The Second language
In Hindi speaking states the second language will be some other modern Indian language or English, and
In non-Hindi speaking states the second language will be Hindi or English.
The Third language
In Hindi speaking states the third language will be English or a modern Indian language not studied as the second language, and
In non-Hindi speaking states the third language will be English or a modern Indian language not studied as the second language.

Now, let's take an example, shall we? Our student Ramachandra is a resident of Kodaikanal, in Tamil Nadu. As per the three language formula, his languages will be as follows:
1. First language: Mother tongue: Kannada / Regional language: Tamil : Ram decides to pick Kannada since that's what is spoken at home.
2. Second language: Since Tamil Nadu is a non-hindi speaking state, Ram has to choose between Hindi or English. Given that Kodaikanal has a large, influential christian community who are all invested in reputed schools, Ram's parents believe that English will be a better option for him. It will give him easy access to a convent education and in addition help usher better economic opportunities his way when he's ready.
3. Third language: Again, given Tamil Nadu is a non-Hindi speaking state, Ram's choice for a third language is either English or a modern Indian language not studied as the second language. Given that English is his chosen second language, he then opts for Tamil which happens to be the regional language.
Example 2: Ekta Banerjee is a resident of Patna in Bihar. As per the three language formula, her languages will be as follows:
1. First language: Mother tongue : Punjabi / Regional Language : Hindi : Ekta, chooses Punjabi as her first language.
2. Second language: Since Bihar is considered a Hindi speaking state, Ekta will need to choose a Modern Indian language (excluding Hindi) or English. She chooses English.
3. Third language: Again, given Bihar is a Hindi speaking state, Ekta will need to choose between English or a Modern Indian language not studied as a second language. Hence she chooses Bengali
Following both case studies closely and it's various permutation and combinations, we can conclude the following:
1. It is possible for an Indian to complete her basic education (10+2) without ever taking Hindi or English or both. This basically means that no Indian is forced to study English or Hindi.
2. Regional language or Mother tongue gets the highest priority in this policy. Given that these three languages are not taught together but introduced at different stages ( starting with first, second and third), a student will have spent most years studying their first language which can be any one of the many languages we have in this country.
3. Every Indian needs to learn at least three Modern languages which doesn't include Sanskrit, considered a classical language. Though the education policy stresses the teaching of Sanskrit, it falls outside the parameters of the three language formula.
4. While there is a stress for Hindi speaking states to encourage the take up of a Southern state language as a second language, that is provided in direct competition with English. The same condition applies for Non-Hindi speaking states where Hindi is in direct competition with English.
Moving further, the education policy also stresses the vigorous implementation of the three language formula. To understand implementation, let's first understand the take up of the three languages in elementary education. [source: http://www.languageinindia.com/junjulaug2001/school.html]
Primary- 1 to 5 standards.
I and II - One language: the mother tongue/the regional language.
III-V - the mother tongue/the regional language.
Upper primary - 6 to 8 standards
VI - VIII. Three languages: the mother tongue/the regional language, modern Indian language and English.
Secondary Education
Secondary - 9 and 10standards: Three languages
Three languages: the mother tongue/the regional language, modern Indian language and English
Higher Secondary - 11 and 12 standards
Again, the implementation conveniently violates the three language policy by introducing English at Upper Primary and Secondary Education. However this is a minor point.
Let's take Ram and Ekta's example. Ram wants to take Kannada as his first language and Ekta would like to take up Punjabi. What is the likelihood they will find a primary school in Tamil Nadu or Bengal that teaches Kannada and Punjabi. Here again, we need to make a clear distinction between learning a language and mode of instruction. Considering that the first language is the only language taught in primary school ( 1 - 5 standards), it would be safe in assuming that the mode of instruction and the language learnt is both the same. Moving on to Upper Primary, Secondary and Higher however, there could be a huge distinction. English, Hindi or a regional language could be used for mode of instruction, even if the child is allowed to follow his/her language plan.
Which probably raises the obvious question in our minds - how practical is the three language formula? I'd like to draw parallels with the much abused term - Secularism: Where the ideal and the working reality couldn't be more different. While I personally think that the three language formula is great, in that, it encourages linguistic plurality and density midst our population, the ground reality does not allow for such visionary flexibility.
Come to the cities, the abyss of the human species [Rousseau], and one will find the options further restricted. Cities are in constant war - Should we stress regional language, national language (Hindi), or English and invariably, for economic reasons, English wins hands down.
I remember my professor in Architecture school commenting on how when we visit a family, the proud parents insist on their children reciting an English nursery rhyme.
This brings me to the crux of this entire debate. Where in all of this does the aspect of 'culture' come in? Research shows that we are most creative with our local languages. This has to do with not just the alphabets and words of a langauge (the syntax in computer speak) but more about how we string them along. Over many, many years, the syntax is no longer just alphabets and words, but whole sentences and the response these evoke in us. Whatever we are (our culture) is reflected in how we communicate. Ultimately, language is essentially a tool for communication and nowhere in our three language policy have we discussed communication.
If this looks confusing to us, imagine how frustrated the school authorities might be. Finding resources to cater to all of the linguistic needs of their student population is just not possible. At the most, their reach can extend to the child's home where they can influence a continuing practice. However a child is not just exposed to family and school. There is the whole world of media - Audio, Video, Television, Print. Do these media practice linguistic plurality and density??? Does every ad come in at least two languages? How many people do we exclude when we create an Advertisement in one language? How many do we exclude when we create an Ad in Hindi? The surgence of Hindi News channels for example is only valid in Hindi speaking states. Elsewhere, regional language news takes ultimate precedence.
With English the same is true to an extent only. Beyond that, there is an undeniable economic advantage that comes with communicating in the English language. I hardly believe that it is possible to live in India without knowing English anymore, no matter what field you work in. Just as all of the world is converging culturally, so is India too blending into itself. The Hindi speaking population in Bangalore is huge. The Tamil speaking population in Delhi is equally large. In our reflection, we all recognize the higher ideal of the three language formula which does NOT impose any one language on a student. However, when overlapped by economic pressures and some mis-appropriated intentions ( Religion-backed education systems: Convents, Hindu schools etc) one cannot deny the palpable tension reality presents us.
My niece completed her 2nd birthday yesterday. In our house, we speak Malayalam, Kannada, Tamil, Hindi and English. With my recent migration to Delhi, I've probably been bringing in most of the Hindi. My brother and sister in law who both have active careers also find themselves speaking more and more Hindi because of the overwhelming Hindi speaking population in Bangalore. Though, both maintain, that their advantage in this society lie in their grasp of the English language. This however stops at their paychecks. Beyond that, with social and economic relationships alike, they find the acute need for more than one language - preferably Hindi and a regional language (which again changes from state to state). English is no longer a superior language. I don't think it ever has been simply because we fail to communicate in English. Yes, it is economically dominant and I think, in our own ways, we are all dealing with that.
I started with the three language formula and perhaps in my own meanderings, I have completed a full circle. Embracing linguistic plurality and density is not easy. Ideals never are. I am reminded of a conversation from an old Dilip Kumar movie - Leader - which I especially liked. Dilip Kumar plays a young man, talented but disappointed with the moral and ideal pollution of India. He thus as typical of all youths thrives in rebelling against the norms of society. In conversation with a national leader then, he complains about milawat in just about everything. To this the leader asks him if the love he shares with his mother is also fake. Are the trees, the sky, the leaves, the earth - are they all fake? Change, the leader says, is brought on by men who have conviction backed by personal strength. The nation, he continues, has no use for young men and women who are only looking for ways out.
All of us in some point in our lives have felt this frustration against a system, a rule, a norm or even a particular group. We must then endeavour to become the change we wish to see in our society. Instead of constantly looking for ways out and around the three language formula, we need to embrace it's ideal in genuine commitment. Our schools, our institutions and our society at large only reflect our commitment ( or lack of).
Those of us who nurture fear or propagate a culture of scarcity are in my opinion the most confused of the lot. By learning a South Indian language, we do not compromise on our identity. By learning Hindi, we don't give in to the dominance of Hindi in this country. We will not lose out unless we are steeped in fear of losing.
Here's to the three language formula and our sincere commitment to it.

A 21st century hill station

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Mon, 04 Jul 2005 15:57:28 +0530

Bangalore is a 21st century Indian hill station. The first morning of this two week stay in Bangalore had me up as early as at six on a Sunday morning, jogging shoes and all, ready for my run. While Sundays are traditionally my day offs, I have had too many skips to afford another day with no exercise.
The sun, my mom told me later, on my second round out with her for her walk (a la 8:30), doesn't bother the Banglorean till after nine. The exercise window in the mornings then is from six to nine - a cool three hours. Compare that with my exercise window in Delhi - 5:50 - 6:12am.
Bangalore is my home town turned city turned metropolitan. Each time I come back to this city, I realize how different it is to when I lived here. This is, what you'd think, natural of anybody's experience when they return to the city of their teens. In contrast, this time around, descending down from the skies, I felt a sudden burst of warm feeling. Unlike touching down at Bhuwaneshwar or Mumbai, no matter what I see from up above, I know what's on the ground. It is the recognition of a deep level of intimacy that is almost like a gene - the collective map of all my experiences in this city - embedded in my matter. I felt tears at the corner of my eyes. I wondered why I left to begin with.
As I got out of the aircraft and down the flight of steps, a cool breeze greeted me, floating about me, not curious, just friendly. In Delhi, I need to brace myself for the weather, no matter what season. In Bangalore, I don't have to even hold my breath. I can continue doing whatever it was I was doing, because the weather here (bar a few thunderstorms) will not be demanding.
The previous week, I had spent a hurried four days at Dharamsala. Running on that Sunday morning, I started to realize that Bangalore is a 21st century Indian hill station. In place of wayward tea stalls, one will find equally strategically located Shanti Sagars and Sukh Sagars. Opening early, purposeful, these are efficient machines, dedicated to brutal industrial standards. Be in dosas, idlis, vada sambar or the ever-popular coffee, everybody is allowed and catered for.
My grandpa and I used to visit the Shanti Sagar at Indiranagar. I'd take him, dressed in a black coat and white trousers on my bike to the Ulsoor branch of Canara Bank. Sometimes it would feel like all the pensioners of Bangalore (once known as the Pensioner's paradise) were there, ready to collect their dues. In the last few years of his life, Accha would sit in one of the back rows and let me take his pass book to the counter. The clerk would recognize the name and look up. I would point to the last row and my grandpa would (on cue) stand up. A curteous nod from the clerk would have Accha grinning, glad of some attention despite the tumultous times of change he witnessed all around him. The clerk would then direct me to the cashier counter with a round steel token. Grandpa would then move up and we'd both sit in front of the counter, eyes drifting from the electronic token display board to the many old and older people around. Sometimes I would take his hand in mine and just hold it. He liked that and I did too. When our token number flashed on the board, I would spring up. The transaction complete, the two of us would head out, hand in hand, to my bike. Once on, we'd take the long route back, getting on to the Ulsoor (Now Hulsoor) road and cutting into CMH. We'd park right in front of the Shanti Sagar and head inside to a two-seater table. Some days Accha would order a coffee. On special days, he would order puris too or even a masala dosa. I don't remember the conversations we had, they weren't important or long. We'd both then get back on my bike and head back home. Accha would get out of his coat and trousers, neatly putting them away. He would then pull out an ironed munde, comb the hair above his ears (for Accha was mostly bald) and lie down.
Running by the Shanti Sagar, I wondered if Accha and me defied their fast paced culture. Perhaps that's why I never wanted to order anything there. Unlike the Sagars in Delhi, where it is a sit-down restaurant, the Sagars in Bangalore are walk in restaurants. People come by, place their orders, eat, pay and leave. There is not much love lost between customer and waiters. Some sagars have no seating alltogether. Tables are placed out on the pavement and everybody huddles around sipping one by two coffee.
What about the mountains you might ask? Where can we find the sheer inspiration that the mountains can stir up in our hearts? In Bangalore I find the people's enthusiasm for technology inspiration in plenty. Just like the dualadhar mountains weave in and around one another, so does the built landscape of Bangalore peak up and down, almost falling upon each other. Driving down airport road, that was many years ago my cycling route, I couldnt keep track of the Intels, IBMs, and Accentures. Almost every STD booth also doubles up as an Internet cafe. No matter bike, car or bus, someone is carrying a laptop. While my Mom laments the Internet, she is in the minority. Mom wanted to go for Parineeta today and she cursed the Internet when I told her the show was sold out. It's the Internet, she wailed, robbing her of her ticket.
Just like the hills, the floating population at Bangalore is considerable. Just like the spiritually inclined tourists will stay back for the extra month, the technology inclined equivalent will try his or her luck with Bangalore. Italian football teams, 'Get with Bangalore' guides written by American consultants at Accenture, this city is still not demanding of its visitors. It is still inviting, ready to jolster up another baby onto it's hips, despite cramps and weak knees.
To Bangloreans, the weather is a curse. It's never too early to pull out a shawl, nor too late to just about everything else. Allergies, common colds, spondilytis and for everything else, there's Devi Shetty and Nimhans. To everybody else, this is great holidaying weather.
While Bangalore rivals any hill station in just about every aspect, the one true winning aspect above all else, is the quality (or lack of) of our roads. While in a hill station, one can lazily gaze upon boys and young men herding goats or riding donkeys in and out of potholes; In Bangalore, we have motor bikes, hurdling their passengers in starts and swift runs to their destinations. Nothing idylic there. It's all about being possessed and honking at someone ahead and clearly to your right!!!
All in all, its early days yet but I think this trip is going to be more about me than about Bangalore. There's a part of me that fears that I might admit that I didn't like Bangalore to start with - or another that feels that this city was not good for me. Whatever the case, it will be a bitter sweet parting. Bangalore will not hold on and I, forever one to let go too soon, too easy, might just refuse this time around.

I broke up with eating

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Thu, 21 Apr 2005 12:10:00 +0530

It's not about chocolates, curd rice with pickles, warm crepes, hot chocolate sauce, caramel, murkhs or garlic bread. It's not about what you're eating.
I learnt yesterday that it's about eating itself. I have a dependency (addiction is extreme) with eating. The ability to pick up food, play with it some and then feed myself constitutes eating. With some of us, it's more than just nutrition or meal time.
It's about those times when we want to talk to someone but can't. It's about those times when we want to feel something but can't. It's about those times when we feel something but don't know beyond that. It's about the times when we need to take a break and only know one way to break.
I share that kind of a relationship with eating. It lets me keep my fingers busy. It keeps my mouth busy. Beyond that, the feeling in my fingers, mouth and sometimes stomach, I really can't feel much else. In that sense, eating is an exclusive relationship. There isn't space for anything else.
Admitting to my dependency on eating is very hard. It isn't a conscious process. One can't fill out a questionnaire, add up the points and announce to the world - 'I'm dependent on eating'. It's a realization as painful and wonderful as any other relationship.
When the going is good, a relationship with eating is quite numbing. You aren't thinking about it. It's as natural as anything else you do and even more. It's addictive. Soon you won't realize that you are inseperable. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am down. I eat when I want to take a break. I eat while I work. I eat while I do everything. I plan my activities around eating. Going for a movie is about what to eat before, during and after. Going shopping is about what to eat before, during and after. It isn't always junk food - Eating is good as long you're doing it. Be it salads, negative calorie foods, wholewheat, wheatgerm, dunking doughnut, pasta e fungi - that's all consolation for souls in denial (just like eating likes it). Like a long, loving relationship, eating grows on you, into you and then becomes you.
Eating is a over-jealous lover. I can't find time to do anything but eat. Eating seems to take priority over everything and everyone else.
Eating is a manipulative lover. There is no wins - just levels of measuring up. Have I had enough to eat? (you'll never ever find out!!) Does it feel good? (almost never matters..)
Eating is devious with my emotion strings. Last week my father in law insulted my eating relationship and boy, I've been in part sulking for the better part of five days.

Eating tapdances across my emotions like they aren't mine anymore.
Anybody reading this would figure by now, like I did last night, that this was not 'alive' or 'kicking'. It's not about substituting chocolates for carrots. It's not about eating salads instead of bread. The fine understanding of food groups and food qualities is well and good but don't count.
This relationship is physical: starting at my fingers, to my mouth and then a little beyond.
This relationship is all consuming: I can't tell myself apart.
This relationship is secretive: I can't really introduce eating to anyone, nor will eating allow it. All the denial only further deludes me to thinking there is no relationship at all.

Five weeks back, I decided to take part in a weight loss program. Something about eating salads, dals and fruits, exercing at least once a day jolted me out into the open.
Into the fourth week, I used to tell everyone about how I have two selves - physical and emotional and their nutritional needs are different. Or so I told myself.
Into the fifth week, I slipped. I ate, I didn't exercise. And then something snapped inside me. The frustrations, the bruised emotions of the past week rolled into one big outburst.

I was angry at the world and at myself. I was upset with the world and myself. I felt rejected and I knew I was the one doing the rejecting.

Something did snap. It was my relationship with eating.
I realized that I didn't crave chocolates more than I did cucumber. When I was hungry, I was happy with the cucumbers. And I hated myself for it.
How could I turn my back on eating? How could I betray the many years of loving? How could I be so ungrateful?

How can I go on without eating in my life?
The truth is, I can. The truth is that I can't go on with the dependency. The truth is that this relationship is doing nothing for me. The truth is my relationship with eating leaves no space for me to be with other things /people. The truth is this relationship has in the past kept me from growing. Any time I was in conflict with someone else or myself, I always had eating to turn back to. And yet by turning away from conflicts, I stopped growing. I lost out on opportunities to get past minor bumps with my relationships with other people.

My relationship with eating is like a pimple, dried from the inside out. I can't wait for it to fall off.

This, I missed

noreply@blogspirit.com () — Fri, 01 Apr 2005 20:05:04 +0530

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Way too long! Then again, perhaps not. So much is happening with and around me - there has certainly been the itch on many occasions.
Yet, there was the little matter of my subscription running out at Blog-city - one I wasn't quite ready paying for again.
And then Simon pointed me to a friend's site that used blogSpirit and I thought, well - perhaps?
Blog hopping can be a lot of fun but to me, it's a tedious process. Starting with the page design, to understanding the adminstrator interface, it's pretty tiring. I still can't figure out how to add my photo, which should ideally come above the 'About me' link.
Perhaps, readers on my blog would like some tips too. The URLs are all hidden, until you mouse over them and VOILA, they appear underlined. So feel free to mouse your way around the page. In my post, I'll probably enter my links in CAPITAL until such time that I go into the settings mode and tamper with the templates themselves - a task I am not too keen on doing.
What I like about BlogSpirit is that it lets you juggle around with the columns and titles and let's you customize it to exactly the way you want it to be. My Blog-city readers will notice that my blog's IA remains intact, thanks to BlogSpirit's open design.
The template is pretty disciplined - then again, it might be a tad refreshing for all of my readers who found my earlier design a tad chaotic and busy.
Overall, I am glad to be back! More a bit later - - I have to get to the kitchen now (something that comes hand in foot with marriage :D)