Mansi

I know the truth. I always have, always will. You know the truth. You always have and you always will.
And yet, we find ways in which we turn our lives into some haphazard search for the truth - something we already know and will continue to know.
Take for example, food.
I've always known that vegetables, greens and dals are good for me. My skin loves them. My organs loves them. Yet, for the bulk of the last twenty years, I have ran as far away from as possible. When I got far enough (88kgs for me), I stopped, did an about turn and looked up to the heaven, in heartfelt panic, and called outloud - 'what is the truth?'
Painfully since, I have been finding my way back - back to food that my body relishes and yes, I feel quite silly. Where earlier, I kept myself going with grand plans for celebration, once I lost the fat and got fit - Now I realize that I've been silly and it's just got to stop. There is not going to be a grand celebration but rather a celebratory lifestyle. One I can embrace for it is what I am or one that I can run away from again.
Another example, writing a book.
I started out wanting to write a book at a very young age. Since, I've managed to distance myself from the actual act with countless reasons. I didn't have the skill. I was Indian and English is not my natural tongue. There are so many talented people around who are doing it. I am not meant to write a book. I can't hope to write a bookseller...it takes something I don't have.
All of the above of course were surface level cribs. Beneath them was this mega whine: I don't know how to write a book. I would go from site to site, taking notes and yet not convinced.
And then James came along. Here was a man who shared generously his inputs on the art of writing with exercises and support. And what do I do? I take copious notes in this lovely green book and then turn around and run for dear life.
And so on and so forth, my life is a continuous run from the truth. So I believe is the case with everyone at large. There are tasks that give us incredible joy (writing for me) and yet we are scared of it, scared shitless!
A friend and I were discussing Vipasana and I thought about it and feel that what ten days of silence would do is beat the crap out of our minds. By Day nine, we would have all succeeded in shutting down our minds. There would be just space to sit down and feed on the truth of our existence.
Each morning I go for my run, I feel my body and mind purging themselves of the excess. Each time, I feel like I am getting closer to a state where I am actually comfortable in my skin - -Imagine that.
Most of us fill up our days with so much of activity precisely because we just can't stomach ourselves - our truths.
When we return back to what we ran away from, we will stop learning. We will stop thinking. We will even stop feeling. We will be true.
Oprah says that you owe it to God to be the best person that you can be. In her bootcamp, she advices you to do what you think you cannot do (running in my case).
You can externalize your truth and mould it into a Ganesha, if that keeps you standing, breathing and comfortable. Or you might just run again.
What does it mean to be the best person that you can be? This question and statement scares me. Perhaps because I know what it means. I have felt it. I have lived it. And I have ran away from it. The further I run, the more in control I feel, the more chaotic and unhappy I become. In my case however, and probably yours too, you're never really far away. You're never really far enough.
It's almost like you're attached to your truth by an elastic rope...and the moment you stop running, you will get pulled back three times or even five times as fast back to the core. It also means that you could spend your whole life on just running and keeping that advantage of resistance and conflict.
Every now and then, you'll get pulled back and as much as you hate it, you will feel relief.
For example, the festivities around China and India is one such elastic moment.
Then again, your life could be a yoyo where you're constantly spinning off your center - up and down, short and long. I'm not there yet. I still tend to hang on - - except this time around, I am trying to hang on to the truth.